I would have called you yesterday to tell you that the
doctor’s office scheduled me for all kinds of tests. They want to do an echo to make sure my heart
condition isn’t getting worse and a brain MRI to make sure my migraines aren’t
worrisome. You would have told me the
same thing mom and dad both told me: that it’s good to take precautions and
you’re sure everything will be fine but there’s no way to know until you do the
tests. And then we would have hung up,
me pretending to be brave about it and you knowing that I was faking. I think you always knew when I was just
putting on a face, I’m sure most people I’m surrounded by have me figured out
in that sense… but it’s nice to pretend all the same because it makes me feel
like I’m being strong.
I wasn’t going to write this entry, because it felt like a
lot of complaining and being anxious about nothing. So I started it yesterday and then put it in
the junkbox and decided to deal with it on my own. Last night I think you knew I needed
you.
When I saw you in a dream, I wasn’t expecting it
at all.
There you were: gorgeous, healthy, smiling, wearing your
Team Ar shirt. It was just you and me-- like I had made an appointment to sit down and chat with you. We sat on a big couch facing
each other and I poured out my heart and explained that I miss you so much and I’m
sorry that I wasn’t a better daughter and companion to you while you were so
sick. I told you I was sorry for not
doing a great job down here after you left us.
Every statement I made, you followed with big eye contact and a smile
and your voice said a few words. Very
short sentences. “I’m with you”, “You’re
like me”, “Its okay”, “Don’t be sorry”, “You’re doing great”. All I wanted to
do was lay down on the couch on your lap, and I could tell you wanted to hug me
too, but I was grateful for our conversation at least. You were so happy and smiley and peaceful and
downright beautiful. I woke up crying
because it felt so real. I was so
disappointed to wake up and have our contact be so brief.
I’m choosing to believe that it really was a visit from
you. It was relieving to tell you all
the things I wanted to say but haven’t been able to tell you. And then you made sure I knew you understood
and did everything you could to help me feel reassured that you’re okay and you’re
not really gone from my life. You made
sure I knew you thought we were all doing a great job and you still love
us and you miss us too. Even with your
short sentences, it was so vivid and so comforting. I could feel you telling me to keep taking
care of everyone and that everything really was okay and you were happy and
healthy.
I felt guilty crying over it this morning, because it was
the best gift I could have gotten from you at this point—to see you and hear
you and talk to you. It just really hit
hard how much I miss getting to do that on a regular basis.
Anyway, thanks for talking to me – I needed it. And that’s what you would have done if you
were still here.
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