I Don't Know What I Expect

Well, I guess I’m going to finally admit to something I must have been trying to hide from myself: going to the Knoxdale house is not something I’m good at dealing with.  I think I’ve only been there a handful of times since August.  I wouldn’t’ be surprised if dad feels neglected. 

I don’t know what I expect.  Here’s the reality: you still feel very much a part of that house.  You and dad decorated and furnished it beautifully.  The refrigerator still has many of Kirkland’s coloring pages, and his magnet letters, but I think “Orange Jeep” must have been buried with you (one of his first works of art).  Dad put the silk tulips in the short pots in the front window for spring, I think they look great. 

I have conflicts internally.  I almost feel “behind” in terms of the grieving process.  On one hand, I mildly regret drinking my feelings away for the immediate 7 months after you left.   I think it only delayed some of the issues, like mourning over your lack of presence at dad’s house.  Yet, I think I’m glad I was self-medicating.. because it’s a really powerful feeling to be out there and I guess I might not have been prepared to deal with that prior to this.  I still might not be ready.  Probably everyone already knew this except me… I don’t know who I think I’m fooling by just assuming I’m doing the right thing all the time.  When your kid doesn’t come to your house for like a year, she’s probably not ready to deal with the emptiness.

And then Finch and Caleb helped dad and I move the remainder of the stuff out of the flower shop basement.  So, that’s that—no more storage, no more of my stuff, no more material ties.  I ran upstairs to say hi to Brandy… and walking into the backroom of the flower shop got me right in the feelings.  I feel like, in a way, I grew up there.  It was always yours, but it felt okay for Bailey and I to walk in and out like we owned it.  You were most always busy in there… but you always gave me a big hug.  And our family sometimes congregated there.  And yesterday it just felt like a huge slug in the guts… I’ve been there once since August, and even then I didn’t try to set foot in the back.  Last night it was, all at once, an appreciation of the space and of Brandy’s care for it, and a mega-loss that felt destructive and disturbing.

I feel like so much has changed around me and I haven’t been paying attention. 

I don’t know what I expected, but sometimes when I actually let myself think about it, I am devastated because I just miss you so much.  We all do.  And I wish you were still here.