It’s so much harder than I ever thought it would be. Being a mom is no “walk in the park”. I can’t imagine what people do when they have
a second child. Being in a relationship
is a weird evolution that you don’t see until you look back across the
backstory. I fell in love with Michael
and eventually realized I wanted to see him become a dad. Our plan to get pregnant worked perfectly and
the timing was absolutely golden. But as
our relationship goes on, I do mourn (a little bit) what we USED to be. It’s hard to communicate my feelings about
the current state of things. I’m
certainly more stable than when Bethany was a newborn, and I love watching her
grow and develop. Her little personality
fascinates me and I revel in nurturing her.
But the balance of trying to be a great mother and a great wife/partner
swings wildly all over the place for me.
In my opinion, it’s absolutely not attainable for me to be a happy,
balanced, content mother and wife. If
I’m a happy mother (the baby is fed, happy, entertained), the wife in me
suffers (the house is a wreck, my hair isn’t brushed, I’m fat, I have no makeup
on—I’m not a desirable person). If I’m
relaxed as a wife (I’m out of the house, someone else is watching the baby),
I’m missing out on spending time with the baby.
And for some reason, it’s impossible for the 3 of us to sit still and
spend time with each other within the confines of the homestead. I want to cry, much of the time, and when I
do I feel guilty because I’m crying again.
Nobody wants to hang out with someone who seems so sad… no wonder we
can’t all be in the same household.
So I wish you were still here to be my sounding board. What’s the answer here?
