I don't know what to do with my hands....

If you were still here, I would have to tell you that I never knew how important you were to my children.  People hear the word step-mother and step-mom and they think, oh, that’s just the second wife.  We don’t think that the step-mom could ever be as important as the real mom – especially when the real mom is still around and in their lives.  I never realized that they relied on you for the same things they rely on me for.  I never knew they asked you the questions that they asked me.  I wonder if we ever gave the same advice to the questions they asked.  I wonder if they picked and chose which answer they liked better.  If you were still here I would thank you for being someone they felt they could rely on.

If you were still here, I would have to admit that I am just a tiny bit jealous of how they feel about you – not how they felt about you, but how they feel about you.  Of course, if you were still here I don’t know that I would know any of this because you would still be here and none of the issues that they are going thru would be visible.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t for one minute begrudge you their love.  I am eternally grateful that they loved you and that you loved them in return.  I think if they hadn’t loved you as much as they did, they probably wouldn’t have the relationship that they have with their dad.

If you were still here, I would tell you that I wish that I had gotten to know you better SOONER. There just never seemed the need for that.  I was the ex-wife and that kinda thing just doesn’t happen...ex-wives and current wives don't hang out together.  I am grateful that I DID get to know you better when I did because that helps me understand a little more why and how you were such an integral part of the girl’s lives.

If you were still here I would say that I never felt like we had to compete for their love.  I know sometimes, holidays mostly, we had to compete for their time a little more than either one of us probably wanted, but I feel like we always made it work.

There is a major, very selfish reason, I wish you were still here – and that is so that I wouldn’t have to watch them suffer from your loss.  It’s been three months and they are struggling daily with their grief and I don’t seem to have the words to comfort them and that leaves me feeling inadequate to say the least.  If you were still here this would all be moot… I wish you were still here.