It's A Marathon Key, Not A Sprint

If you were still here and healthy, you would have loved this past week.  I can’t believe your sissy got married in the Florida Keys!!  The house you and Brad picked for the location was truly amazing.  Everything basically fell into place with the caterers, the florist, the hair stylists… and our friends and family only left one thing to be desired: for you to have been there too. 

Dad was a mess.  He knows how much you loved weddings, and the sunglasses didn’t come off his face the whole time.  The hugs were longer, the sentences were shorter, and I could tell how hard it was to see your sister get married without you there for it.  I’m sure he was glad to be a part of it, and he had Kirkland and the rest of us to get him through it and keep his spirits up.  I only cried once for just a second.  I wasn’t trying to be insensitive, I just sometimes have this feeling that if I don’t hold it together, I’m going to start an avalanche and everyone else is going to collapse too.  I didn’t want to do that on such a joyous occasion as a wedding.  Brad and Kimmy tied the knot and we danced and drank and laughed and sang and it was amazing.  I can’t explain how thankful I am that you were able to go on the Pub Crawl in March to see them get engaged.  If you hadn’t been around for that, I don’t know if I could have enjoyed the day as much as I did—but knowing that you were a big part of getting the marriage ball rolling seemed to comfort me somehow.

Of course it all came tumbling down on Wednesday when we visited Key West.  We found the cutest restaurant for dinner with live music, it wasn’t crowded and the food was great, and the boat drinks were tasty… you would have absolutely loved it.  And I couldn’t help but feel my heart break just a little bit more in that place, surrounded by family, in a place that you would have been smiling in, telling stories, and laughing with us.  It was you who introduced me to places like this and taught me how to be carefree and live a little.  I remember growing up always worrying about me or bailey spending too much of dad’s money on a vacation or a nice dinner… but you were always more interested in enjoying the experience.  You would encourage us to get whatever we wanted if it came to a fancy drink or appetizer.  Wednesday night when we watched the sunset on the pier, dad didn’t bat an eye when I ordered a 9 dollar Moscow Mule (since Bailey and dad did too).  I looked at him and said “Eh, these are kind of expensive, but Arlene would have told us to get them if we wanted them”.  He looked back at me and said “I watched her order an $18.00 drink once, so…” and we all laughed a little.  For you, it was always it about the experience and who was there in the moment with you—not the amount of the bill.  So what if I got a little misty watching a sunset, and so what if I started bawling in the middle of the meal at the Smokin Tuna Saloon that night?  I’m human… I can’t always cry in private.  I just miss you.

We swam on thanksgiving, and I can’t help but feel you would have had a thanksgiving “drink of the day” planned :).  The boys went fishing—and the girls drank 5 or 6 pitchers of pina coladas.  I’m not fooling anyone with this “drinking my feelings” plan… but they were really good pina coladas.  I like to think that you would have been drinking with us by the pool, splashing with Kirkland, and somewhere around noon saying “I wonder if your daddy and the guys are having fun?”

Anyway.  I just know you would have had a great time and loved the whole experience.  Your family is awesome, and I’m glad we all were together on thanksgiving—for a holiday that wasn’t going to feel much like one at home anyway.   And now we have these memories of Kimmy’s wedding week in the keys.  By the way, the flowers were really pretty—orange and blue was a great idea.

All the books say that we’re going to be grieving for quite a while—and they also say that some people might not understand.  I’m one of the people who doesn’t understand, for the record.  It just hurts so much and feels so unfair… I keep feeling so cheated because we had such a good thing going and it will never be the same ever again.  Through some divine intervention, I really enjoyed our vacation to Marathon Key last week, it just hurts now knowing how much better it would have been if you were still here.