The "I Can't Believe It" Times

If you were still here, I would hope we could talk about all the scary times that are coming up.  We never did that, we always stayed positive about your cancer journey.

I'm having moments where I still can't believe in that ICU room that we said goodbye to you.  You didn't say goodbye back, not in so many words anyways.  We had our family time together, and then you faded away.  It was the last time I will ever look you in the eyes, the last time I'll ever get to hear your voice-- which by the end had gotten so raspy and labored that I knew it wasn't how I would want to remember you.  That was the last time you would sit with dad, holding hands.  The last time I would get to touch your hair or see your smile.

Meatball posted something on facebook today about cooking the turkey and drinking wine.. holidays were always so much fun with you and our family, and I'm going to miss drinking wine with you.  We're about to embark on your favorite holidays and I barely even want to wrap a present.  It just doesn't feel the same knowing that you're not going on the regular "girls" shopping trip with your friends this weekend, shopping for the last gifts on our lists.  You were the best at gift-giving... and you took so much joy in carefully selecting each present and wrapping it, and I know you the loved the look on our faces when we would sit around opening them.  Each of us had a special different style and you always nailed it.  And you loved opening your gifts too.  Gift-guesser!

And you loved having a couple different wine selections available for thanksgiving dinners, and sitting around drinking them with your family.  We didn't have a "last thanksgiving", because last thanksgiving was your last thanksgiving and we didn't really know it then.  I can't believe that was almost a year ago, and you're gone.

I can't believe we won't get to hear your bustling in the kitchen and your laughter, I just can't fathom how 3 months ago you took your last breath and that's it.  Forever.  Permanent.  No do-overs, no take-backs.  I'm really scared about the next two months and if you were still here, and this was a whole other situation-- I'd have you to help me get through it.