I opened a bottle of Horn E. Elk from Elk Mountain Winery and remembered how you introduced me to their selection and their silly names. I can hear your little giggle/chuckle in my mind's ear. I can see the smirk and eventually the big smile. I can see your excited, squinty eyes.
There is a major catch to all of this and I have to stop myself to remind myself of it. If you were still here, in the state you left us, you wouldn't be enjoying any wine with me. You wouldn't be enjoying much of anything except maybe precious time-- but how much is time really a blessing when all your days are painful and all your breaths are shallow and all your existence is in one place where you MIGHT get comfortable?
I catch myself saying "if you were still here..." but really I mean if you were still here and HEALTHY. We would be getting ready to fly to Florida for your sister's wedding. We would be figuring out how many cars we need to take to the airport. We would be drinking wine and laughing. You would be picking out a tree that's too big for the great room and telling dad "just one more year for the big trees."
But if you were still here and not healthy-- we wouldn't probably be going to Florida at all. We certainly wouldn't be drinking wine and we definitely wouldn't be taking car trips.. those were a disaster toward the end. I don't know if we would worry about what the tree looked like or if the house got decorated to perfection. Hard to say what we would be doing if you were still here in that condition.
But if you were still here I wouldn't have had to help dad submit a claim with the travel insurance to refund your ticket.... Might have been all of our tickets.
I'm glad you're somewhere where there is no suffering. But I think of you all the time and what life would be like for all of us if you were still here.
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