My Struggle With Grief

I think I'm struggling so much with grieving because part of me isn't sad. The cards you were dealt were far from a winning hand, that's for sure (but dang, you sure did handle it all like a rocket star, or so Nana would say lol).  If you were still here, I can't even imagine how much pain and suffering you would be experiencing. Knowing what I know about Heaven and you being their with God brings my heart a lot of joy. Don't get me wrong, I miss you more than I even knew was possible to bare.  Sometimes I shake because I'm crying so hard and I am very afraid that this big hole I feel in my heart will never go away and that's hard to handle sometimes. I am also afraid that if I take time to be sad and grieve, I won't know where to stop and keep  my history of  depression from trying  to make its way back into my life. God has helped me so much by giving me the strength to be grateful that you are healed, perfect, and so ridiculously happy that we can't comprehend this side of Heaven. That I was able to pick out my perfect wedding dress with you there, that I was able to be by your side at the end (and I will never be able to thank Michael enough for buying my ticket home). Our love and almost 15 years together is so much to be thankful for.  I can't be sad and wish you back here when I know how good you have it there. As much as I don't want to wish my life away, the thought of being reunited with you and other family members brings a great deal of warmth to my heart. And who knows, I may come apart at the seams and have a different perspective in a different stage of this journey, but for now I am going to keep living everyday with as much meaning and joy that comes my way and when I miss you so much that it hurts I will cry and that's ok, too. For now though, I'm going to keep telling God to tell you I love you each day  and I'm going to keep smiling at all the flat Arlene's I have hanging around my room  (7 to be exact) and I am going to sing Christmas carols and help Brandon's family decorate and celebrate Christmas to the best of my ability because you helped show me how special and meaningful that could all be.  I love you, Mub <3