The circle of life

If you were still here, I wouldn't feel angry that I'm sitting in our mother's hospital room by myself. If you were still here, I wouldn't be sitting in our mother's hospital room by myself. I'm so angry that I have to face our parents' aging alone. I know darn well that I'm truly not alone...our dear cousin Fawn spent the weekend with me even though she has way more than enough on her plate already. I know that I can count on my husband, and your husband and kids, and our countless family and friends who have been so incredible for the last year of our lives. I know how lucky I am to have so many wonderful people in my life, but I'm still angry and sad that you're not here.

If you were still here, you would appreciate the fact that West Penn Hospital has the best gummy bears in the history of gummy bears, and we would've laughed so hard trying to figure out exactly what flavor each color was. You would've been just as excited about the plethora of flavors as I was. I miss having someone who gets just as excited over the little things in life as I do.

If you were still here, I wouldn't have cried like a baby when they brought Mom up from recovery because I was having flashbacks to seeing you in that hospital bed. If you were still here, I wouldn't have had to spend the last week mentally preparing my son to see his nana in a hospital bed; to make sure he is fully aware of the fact that nana is just getting her foot fixed, and that she will get better and come home rather than going to heaven.

If you were still here, I wouldn't feel the need to talk about you so much in front of Kirkland. He would be able to talk to you and play with you and do fun things with you. Instead, we blow you a kiss in heaven every night and I talk about you constantly and show him pictures so that he remembers the fun times we shared, not just the time you spent in the hospital. My biggest fear is that he'll forget you and he won't remember the wonderful person that was his Auntie Ar.

If you were still here, you would be so excited to stay at Paige's new house with me tonight. You would've been so proud of the vase of flowers that she arranged herself and brought to mom yesterday. You would've likely rearranged said vase of flowers upon her departure, but you would've commented on what a good kid she was for coming to see us. If you were still here, you would insist that we stop to find a gift for her new house, to thank her for letting us stay there. And only you could walk in a store and find the most perfect thing to buy her.

You have no idea how many times I wanted to apologize to Mom because God chose me as the daughter to keep here on earth. I am nowhere near as kind or as strong or as wonderful as you were. I don't think of everything and plan ahead for every situation. I don't do anything as well as you did...I'm trying really hard, but I'm just not you. If you were still here we could laugh at my inadequacies, instead of me crying about them. I love you and miss you so badly it hurts. I just wish so badly that you were still here...