Under Pressure

If you were still here I wouldn't be crying all alone in my bed because I miss you.  If you were still here I would have been 100% happy tonight on my surprise date with Brandon. If you were still here I would have called you today to ask you if the hotel I chose for the wedding room block was the right choice. But you're not here... So I am crying uncontrollably alone and I doubted all day whether I made the right choice, And I had to hold back the tears that I wanted to cry at dinner... People tell me I'm supposed to let myself grieve but when am I supposed to do that? I feel the pressure of having to go to work everyday with a smile on my face and I have to be energetic and motivating for my residents because you can't be a good wellness coordinator if you just cry all the time and can't even teach your classes... So I shut my sadness off cuz there isn't time for that with a full time job.  I am engaged to a wonderful man and so I have a wedding to plan... this is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life... I don't have time to cry anytime I feel like it so it's easier to pretend like everything doesn't suck and just keep living life. I am away from all the people that knew you and loved you as much as I do so i feel like no one understands and I'm the only one suffering so it easier to pretend like I'm not suffering at all. How am I supposed to find time to get through this? And that's the worst part, I'm never going to because when you died, you took a part of my heart with you that I won't get back this side of heaven.  I know it's selfish but I wish you were here so I didn't have to deal with any of this.